Gordon Ramsay’s Unicorn Cake

child holding unicorn toy
Photo by Kaboompics .com on Pexels.com

OK, It’s Tabitha’s 7th birthday, and Marks and Spencer’s has ran out of fucking Unicorn Cakes. So let’s make our own, you stupid fucking idiots.

Preheat the mother-fucking oven to 200 degrees. No idea what gas mark that is, Google it.
4 oz of fucking self-raising flour
4 oz of arseing butter
4 oz of bastard sugar
3 shitting eggs
Tsp of Baking fucking powder
Vanilla fucking essence

Cream together the butter and sugar. If you don’t know how to do that, you need to get out of my fucking kitchen.
Crack in the eggs. Beat the shit out of it.
Now sift in the flour and baking powder. Come on, hurry up. Tabitha’s friends will be here in two fucking hours.
Stir it in and add a couple of drops of vanilla essence.

Pour the mix into a unicorn shaped cake tin.

What do you mean you haven’t got a unicorn shaped cake tin?

Oh for FUCK sake.

No, you can’t use a normal round cake tin, because a fucking unicorn is not fucking round is it? Jesus Christ you’re a useless sack of shit. Tabitha is going to HATE you. And so she should. You’re an incompetent failure.

Go back to Marks and Spencer and buy her a zebra cake, quickly. We’ll just throw glitter all over it and stick a fucking Twirl in its head.


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