Heston Blumenthal’s Full English

night of the train photo
Photo by neil kelly on Pexels.com

Everyone likes a Full English, don’t they? Well here’s the best way to make it, and it’s so good, your builders won’t mind waiting two weeks for it.
Firstly, simmer some baked beans over a candle until all the sauce has evaporated, and the beans have almost dried out. Catch the vapour in a complex set of glass pipes allowing it to condense into a jar. Now filter some coffee through an old pair of jeans. Using a hypodermic needle, inject each bean with the coffee and condensed bean juice vapour.
Now, the sausages. Take two good quality sausages and squeeze the meat from the skins. Throw away the meat. Take 3 Weetabix, and soak them overnight in grapefruit juice. Now stuff the skins with this mixture, and nail them to the inside of a chimney in an abattoir for six to eight hours, to infuse with the smoke generated by incinerated teeth and bones.
Bacon is pretty straightforward, but with a few extra touches, you can add a whole new level of flavour. Take a pork loin, and sprinkle with salt and sugar to cure it. Find an abandoned amusement park, and push it down a helter skelter. The movement and circulation creates a friction which is just right for flavour. I don’t know why, but it’s science. Repeat this six times, and then strap the pork loin into a car on the Ghost Train. Now set fire to the Ghost Train. The smoke from the wood, mixed with fifty years of small children’s tears imparts a delicate yet fragrant taste into your bacon.
I never bother with chicken’s eggs for my Full English, because they are bland. Instead, raid the nest of an Osprey and pop the egg into a flask of liquid nitrogen as you run away. The motion will scramble the egg inside the shell, which is a nice fun surprise to the diner.
Now make some toast, which you’ve browned quickly to maintain the lightness of the bread, using a light sabre.
Serve in a shopping basket with two straws, and a bill for £460.


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