Alright, my little darlin’s? What better to come home to at the end of an ‘ard day’s telling everyone what they should be eating than a bit of cheese on toast. But this is more than that, because I’ve stuck the word “ultimate” in front of it.
Right, first up, you need your bread. Because that, when grilled, is what we like to call toast.
But don’t be using any of that packet bread malarkey. You want a proper artisan loaf. You know, that stuff in Waitrose that costs seventeen times as much as your usual bread. If you can’t afford it, don’t worry, just go to Greggs or Wenzels and buy a standard crusty loaf, but leave it in the airing cupboard for a week or so until it’s rock hard. And that, my little sweethearts, is artisan bread.
Now for the cheese. You can’t beat a nice strong cheddar, something that makes your toes curl and your gentleman’s area tingle, know what I mean? That’s what you need. They’re marking the strength of cheese in most supermarkets now, from 1 that’s all mild and creamy, up to a 5, which is strong. So go and find one that scores 7. It’ll probably have my face on the packet.
This is the kind of recipe your kids can help with, and it gets them out into the kitchen to learn about cooking. My eldest two, Honeycomb and Bam Bam, love making this for the other ones, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grub.
First up, slice the bread into slices an inch thick, and then lay them flat on the worktop. Now touch them. Slap them about a bit. Stick your fingers in them, massage them a bit. Pour around half a gallon of olive oil over it. This doesn’t improve anything, but it eats up a couple of minutes.
Whack ’em under the grill at exactly 187 degrees, and toast one side until it’s the colour of David Dickinson.
While that’s happening, grate up your cheese. Don’t use a bowl or anything, just grate it from about a metre up in the air so it goes fucking everywhere. Don’t matter, you’re not cleaning up.
Get the bread out from under the grill, pour some more olive oil on it and flip it over like a Bangkok hooker, then slap that cheesy goodness all over it, also like a Bangkok hooker.
Bosh it back under the grill for a couple of minutes, till it’s all sizzling and bubbly.
Get it out, hold it up at eye level and inexplicably listen to it. Pour some olive oil on it.
Serve it up on a scaffold board.
Eat it, then play the drums really badly with some mates who only hang out with you because you’ve got a drum kit, and then go and make a fat-tongued baby, using olive oil as lube.