Buy a live chicken, and feed it with organic corn for at least six weeks. Wait for it to ovulate, and collect 3 eggs.
Milk a cow, and separate the cream. Make butter with some of it, and set the cream aside. Make some cheese with the remaining milk.
Put some pork belly in a smoker, over foraged wood chips, and make bacon.
Place 400g of wholegrain wheat between the thighs of a rugged bodybuilder and put him on a treadmill for 3 hours at 8mph. Collect the flour in a paper bag as he runs.
Use the flour, butter and fresh spring water from the Brecon Beacons to make pastry.
Blind bake it in an oven until it is crisp, and the colour of a new ten pound note.
While it is baking, mix together the eggs, cream and bacon, chopped slowly while gazing into a garden.
Grate some cheese into it, but toss your hair like you’re about to rescue someone from the sea as you do this.
Pour the mixture into your pastry case, but slowly and deliberately, like the speed of an 85 year old woman packing her shopping at Sainsbury’s.
Look into the garden again.
Admire your rugged butcher’s block worktop.
Slide it into the oven. Sigh.
After 26 minutes, take it out of the oven and gently put it down on your 160 year-old table, which has character because of all your life’s scars on it.
Gaze at it for six hours as it cools.
Serve with a simple salad, dressed with a simple mix of olive oil, balsamic vinegar and the tears from recalling all the mistakes you’ve ever made, and new potatoes.