Glide down the street in a really expensive dress and a quirky hat, to a ridiculously expensive delicatessen and purchase some eggs and some raspberries and strawberries.
Make sure everything is wrapped in paper to justify the £17 you’ve just spent.
Return home, and while your home economist separates the egg whites and puts all the other ingredients into little ramekins, switch on all the fairy lights in your huge kitchen.
Ask your home economist to stand behind the camera, because this is your moment.
With your head tilted at a coquettish angle, whisk the egg whites in a really expensive mixer until they form stiff peaks. Giggle at the word “stiff.”
Fold in some sugar, slowly, being careful not to lose the stiffness. Giggle at the word “stiffness.”
Pipe the mix onto a baking sheet, being careful to make them all exactly the same size and shape, and holding the piping bag like you’re giving Hugh Jackman a handjob. Put them in the oven for an hour at a low heat, around the same temperature as your vagina on a warm day.
Mash up the strawberries and raspberries with some organic sugar over a slow flame. Allow to cool.
While you wait for the meringues, chat with some ridiculously attractive people who the director hired to sit round your table chuckling at things.
To serve, slowly spoon the fruit into a bowl, making sure you get some on your fingers so you can lick it off, while looking straight down the camera lens and into the souls of perverts everywhere.
Crumble up the meringues, and if you get any sticky bits on your fingers, repeat previous stage.
Now pour some cream over everything, getting messy and see above.
Serve to the people at the table, but make sure they’re all slightly out of focus as they say things like “wow” and “this looks amazing.” Give a knowing look to the camera.
Do some coke.