The Great British Bake Off is back this week, and I’ve had exclusive access to a preview!

lighted hollywood signage during daytime
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Noel – In this week’s showstopper challenge, we want you to build something that reminds you of your childhood.
Sandi – You may use bread, cake and/or confectionery. We need it to tell a story, and it needs to taste as good as it looks.
Noel – Or better if it looks awful. You have two hours. So, 3, 2, 1…
Both – BAKE!

Voiceover- Neville is building a beach scene, from his favourite childhood memories of holidays in Broadstairs.
Neville – I’m using bread to make four deckchairs, and I’m making my family out of cake. The sand will be powdered Werthers Originals and the sea will be a glaze made from melted blue Skittles.
Prue – Do you think you’ll have enough time?
Neville – probably not.

Voiceover – Engineer Brian is making a ride-on fire engine out of Battenberg.
Brian – when I was 6, my Granddad bought me a ride-on fire engine. It had lights and everything. I might add some hoses made out of liquorice if i have enough time.

Voiceover – Edna is making a model of her childhood home, using bread and cakes, and some of her favourite sweets from when she was a little girl.
Edna – I was raised in a house of ill repute, and my mother was what they used to call a tuppeny whore. My father robbed post offices .
I’m using a hollowed out cob loaf as a sharps bin, and a collapsed croquembouche to represent my mother’s vagina.
Paul – This looks interesting, Edna.
Edna – It isn’t. It’s going to be traumatic but the counsellors said I should face my past to get to my future.
An hour and fifty minutes later…

Noel – Bakers! You have ten minutes remaining!
Sandi – The secret of good baking is the same as the secret of good com…
Noel – Timing
Sandi – …edy.

Voiceover – Neville is struggling to get his deckchairs to stand up, and he’s used too much cake for the models of his family, so his mother now looks a lot like Miriam Margolyes and his Dad is Elvis Presley circa 1976. His sister’s legs fell off, so he’s put her in the sea for a swim. Brian’s fire engine looks amazing, and he’s managed to use his engineering skills to make it fully operational. Edna is hugging her knees and crying.

Ten minutes later…
Noel and Sandi – 3, 2, 1 Stop!
Sandi – step away from your creations.
Noel – Edna, please stand up.

The judges make their way to the tables.
Paul – Neville, this looks quite good. I like the sandcastles.
Prue – was your dad Elvis Presley, circa 1976?
They all laugh.
Paul breaks off half a deckchair and taps it. He says nothing. He tears it up and they all taste it.
Paul – Hmm it’s not bad. Maybe could’ve been left to prove a little longer.
Neville – we only had two hours, you Scouse prick.
Director – CUT!
Neville – Yes, Paul, you’re probably right.

They walk over to Edna’s table.
Prue – This scene looks somewhat familiar.
Edna – I tried to put a bit of happiness into it. So I added a garden, made of penny sweets, and edible trees. And there in the corner, under the Honeysuckle, is a little cross made of Cola Cubes. That’s where we buried the dog.
Paul takes a bite out of a tree. Prue opts for some of the croquembouche.
Prue – You’re very brave to use such an emotive memory, and it looks so realistic. I’m proud of you, and you should be proud of yourself for telling your story.
Paul – This tree tastes suspiciously like marijuana.

Finally, the judges approach Brian’s table.
Paul – Wow. This looks amazing.
Prue – It really does. Such intricacy on the details. And those wheels, do they actually turn?
Brian – It’s fully operational. It can support the weight of a person, and it can move. I used my engineering background to fashion a functioning engine out of lemon swiss rolls and granola flapjacks. It’s eco-friendly too, as it doesn’t use petrol or diesel.
Noel – Goodness me are you serious?
Sandi – I’ve got to see this. How does it work? Solar power? Hydrogen?
Brian – It’s actually powered by human smugness, but it needs quite a lot to charge it up to full power. So I think Paul should be able to get it started.


Episode One – Biscuit Week

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One thought on “The Great British Bake Off is back this week, and I’ve had exclusive access to a preview!

  1. thank you for starting this blog – can’t wait to see what else you have in store. PLEASE do a weekly review of GBBO – will be funnier than the real thing !

    Liked by 1 person

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