The Hairy Bikers Steak and Root Veg Casserole

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Photo by Fancycrave.com on Pexels.com

First up, you need a mate and two motorbikes.
Ride your motorbikes slowly into an orchard, and hope that the crew have set up the outdoor kitchen in time.

Shout “Hello!” at everyone while you take your leathers off.
Hug each other.

Now we’re ready to start.
You need a good piece of beef for this, and we like a bit of skirt, don’t we, Si? Ooh yes, we DO like a bit of skirt.
Hug each other.

Chop up the steaks into chunks and roll in seasoned flour, before sealing it in a hot pan.
Now peel your veggies. Dave will now sing a song about peeling veggies, while Si rolls his eyes at the camera.
We’ve used potatoes, carrots and parsnips, but you could use a turnip or some Swedes.
Oooh like Abba?
No, Dave, not like Abba. Roll your eyes at the camera again.

Use a good beef stock for this, we’ve slow-roasted half a cow overnight, and collected the lovely juices.
Ooooh lovely juices.
Hug each other.
Put all the ingredients into the casserole dish and cover with the stock.
High five each other.

This needs to cook slowly for around six hours, so we’ll now do a little montage of the area, over some REO Speedwagon track, because we can’t afford Bon Jovi. Si will then put on a serious voice and talk about the history of the orchard, while Dave skips around in the background like he’s forgotten to take his medication.
Assume six hours have passed and return to the outdoor kitchen. Make sure you’re wearing the same clothes, for continuity, and greet each other with a hug.
Build suspense by saying “Here we go!” or “The moment of truth” while Dave does a drum roll with two different sized spoons.
Remove the lid, and inhale the scent like it contains the essence of life itself.
Go “Aaaaaaaah” and “Hmmmmmmmm” before gazing at each other and high-fiving. But this is so good, a high five is not enough. Hug instead.
Serve into big bowls with hearty northern bread. Link your arms together and feed each other, before high-fiving and banging your forks together.
Tell everyone which orchard you’ll be in next week.

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