Temperatures were rising in this week’s episode, filmed during the UK’s unseasonably and unreasonably hot summer. Everything was melting; Terry’s Eiffel Tower, Luke’s chocolate collar, Kim-Joy’s face. I love it when they ask them to make something spectacular out of chocolate, and then zip up the tent so it’s 40 degrees in there.
First challenge this week was to make a tray-bake. Dan sailed through this one, with his Black Forest Gateau inspired creation, much to the annoyance of Ruby, who is rapidly becoming as about as annoying as trying to get your pants on at the beach without filling the gusset with sand.
Apparently, Ruby “stole his idea,” because of course nobody else in the history of cake has ever thought of pairing chocolate and cherries, have they? Anyway, he won and she didn’t.
Next up was the technical challenge, and Prue decided to dig into her Book of Most Fucked-Up Cake Ideas Ever (probably not available on Amazon) and asked them to make something called a Gateau Vert, which is French for “Seriously? What?” This was a triple layer cake, flavoured with pistachios (so far so good) but then glazed with an icing coloured as green as Shrek himself using spinach. Spinach. What kind of fuckery is that? It’s evil, is what it is. Like blitzing carrots and courgettes before adding them to a perfectly good Bolognese. Spinach in or on cake should be illegal. Actually, spinach on or in anything should be illegal. Allegedly this was Claude Monet’s favourite cake, but Monet once employed someone to wash and dust his water-lilies in the pond in his garden (true,) so I’m not sure I trust his judgement. This radioactive coloured cowpat then had to be decorated with more chopped pistachios and edible flowers, though the pattern wasn’t specified in the instructions. This led several of the bakers to put more than necessary on there, making them look less cakey and more funeral wreathy. The top three in this challenge were; Dan 3rd, so he’s doing well this week, Rahul 2nd after an impressive first round, and dark horse Jon with his excellent shirt in 1st place. Ruby placed tenth and was starting to lose her over-confident smugness.
Now onto the Showstopper. The judges wanted them to create a chocolate collar cake of at least two tiers. After mentioning how hot it was for the 56th time, the bakers set about “attempting the impossible.” I’ve often said that “impossible” is an over-used word. Pissing through a keyhole into a thimble, climbing Everest in shorts and T-shirt, eating a cake with fucking spinach in it; these things are impossible. Though if anyone out there has done this, feel free to send me the evidence. Making chocolate is not impossible. They have fridges. Several of the bakers did OK in this challenge, simply by making their cakes right the first time, thus allowing themselves enough time to mess about making decorations. The others messed up royally by having to bake cakes twice, and trying to decorate the still warm cake, with still warm chocolate, in a canvas greenhouse. I’m not an expert; I don’t have a sex-toy necklace, immaculate silver hair or can-I-come-in-your-oven blue eyes, but I don’t think that’s how you’re supposed to do it.
Terry’s Eiffel Tower looked amazing on paper, and that’s where most of it stayed. Briony managed to pull off a Salted Caramel thing that was semi-decent, if only half-finished. She also revealed herself to be the saucy one this year, looking at her sugar thermometer and innocently wondering what “hard crack” was. She knows!
Kim-Joy’s cat cake was fairly good. Manon, who had a very average week after her good start in episode one, did an Almond Princess cake. Jon snuck up on the outside again with his Hawaiian Shirt inspired Pina Colada, which tasted as good as it looked. Ruby got away with a Jackson Pollock design on her Chocolate Orange cake and even got the Hollywood Handshake, which is usually enough to make knickers fall to the floor, but hers have been wedged so far up her arse by her own head, that this didn’t happen. But it was Rahul, again, who shone with his own Chocolate Orange cake that he delivered in one piece, and hadn’t melted at all that sealed his Star Baker status this week. Paul summoned him after tasting, and Rahul stepped forward like he was about to be sentenced to death, but it was to receive the mighty Hollywood Handshake. Dan got one earlier too, so with three in a week, its value has diminished somewhat. I think you can only get 1.03 handshakes to the £ now, whereas a Leith Licking is worth double that.
Bread week next week, and the possibility of some girl on girl action, as we were teased with a trailer, during which Manon asked Ruby if she’d like to see her buns, so get your tissues ready, lads.