New SW Rules! Stop eating stuff immediately!

So I’m member of Slimming World and yesterday we all received an email/text/crow with a note tied to its leg, telling us what we can and can’t eat.  They’ve changed a few bits, edited some other bits and have decided, in their infinite wisdom, to suddenly make some sugar-free fat-free products illegal, or something like that.  Anyway, here’s my latest post.

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Has the fuss died down yet? Here’s my recap.

A message to share with your members…

Free Food changes to pizza, pot noodles and water

Our Nutella and Food teams here at Slumming World regularly review the latest scientific and nutrition research, food trends and Jeremy Kyle, to make sure Food Optimising stays bang tidy and in line with current guidance, so that you can achieve the very best weight loss results in the very healthiest way. Very.

Following a full review over the last 12 minutes, and based on the very latest nutrition data. We like the word “very.” As well as feedback from members and Companies that pay us money, about the potential impact of running into really big walls, we’ve made some changes to the following:
Vegan products – Bacon will now be classed as very vegan.
Water- more plain varieties have become Free, and all flavoured varieties now have a small Syn value of 46 Syns per 10ml
Pot Noodles – all varieties now have a Syn value of 1 per 2. Very.
Tinned pizza in tomato sauce – all varieties now have a very high Syn value. Let’s say 6 per tin. Or 8.

1.
It’s good news for our vegan members – new Free and Healthy Extra options added

The following foods are now Free Food:
Earth
Wind
Fire

And the following are now a Healthy Extra ‘a’ choice:
40g Lightbulb
40g Socks (washed)

2.
Fat-free yogurts – all flavoured varieties now have a small Syn value

Using the very very very latest information on average polyester, moistness, flavouroids, fat, sugar, lard and calorie content of thousands of every day foods together with the rapidly growing number of brands, products and flavours of vodka available in every supermarket, our Food and Nutrition teams have created a much more robust way of categorising vodka. That means we can now give product-specific Free Food allowances to the various types of vodka (such as Greek, Russian, dairy-free, quark vodka, protein vodka and more) – based on their specific energy densities, their nutrient content and how filling they are. We can do science, us!

This has led to new varieties being added to our basic Free Food yogurt list which now looks like this:

Free Foods
Fat-free natural Vodka
Vodka
Fat-free natural Greek-style vodka
Fat-free natural Greek vodka and skyr vodka
Dairy-free soya vodka, plain and unsweetened, with added calcium.

(Fat-free natural fromage frais (French for Cheesy Semen,) Fat-free natural cottáge cheese (French for vomit) and unnecessary quark all remain Free Food.)

Our analysis, from The Croydon Centre for Nutritional Nonsense, has also led to a small change for anything with flavour in it; flavoured yogurts, and all fat-free flavoured yogurts now have a Syn value.

Low-Syn yogurts

No-added-sugar yogurts will be around ½ Syn per 100g and yogurts with added sugar will be around 1 Syn per 100g, which means:
You can’t actually eat anything anymore ever.

The good news for flavoured yogurt lovers is that they’re still very low in Syns! And if you’re currently losing weight comfortably while enjoying several yogurts a day – by keeping count of the low Syns, you’ll be sure to continue to lose weight beautifully, as opposed to losing weight horrifically, by chopping off limbs or whatever.

3.
Instant mashed potato – changed to 103½ Syns per 12g made up

As well as having a lower concentration of some B vitamins, instant mash has less flavour and less farting power than mash made with fresh potatoes. It’s also often used to ‘tweak’ Food Optimising – being used as a coating, a thickener, a flour substitute etc. So to protect members’ weight losses, it will now have a Syn value of 103½ Syns per 12g made up. We’ve seen the pizza base recipe and we just don’t approve of pizza in any form, unless tinned, so just say no to Smash.

4.
Tanned italians in tomato sauce – changed to 4½ Syn per 16g.

Unlike dried Italians cooked at home, tanned italians are softer and takes little or no chewing (important to help us feel sexually
fulfilled). To help protect members’ weight losses and help you get into more fulfilling, healthy Free Food and Speed food habits, tanned Italians in tomato sauce are no longer a Free Food. The average Syn value is now 77½ Syn per 100kg. We’re just picking numbers out of a tombola machine now.

Where you’ll see the changes…
Tomorrow: your arse will fall off
Next week: your belly will fall off.
Late December: Quality Street. Turkey. The DFS Mid-Winter Sale.

Even though some of these products are no longer Free Food, the Syn values are still very low, so you can choose whether to stick with old favourites and ignore everything we’ve just said, or switch to Free Food options.

*Independently produced and published by The Quark Marketing Board, and used as the basis for our Syn calculations for more than 232 years.

Step away from the cheese.

3 thoughts on “New SW Rules! Stop eating stuff immediately!

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