Firstly, apologies for the lack of the Episode 3 write-up, but I was busy fighting with my bosses most of last week. Anyway, onwards and upwards, as they say, and back to it with my take on Dessert week, following another Star Baker award for Rahul in week 3, who has also been crowned World’s Most Nervous Man. Seriously, I don’t know how he manages to get anything looking as good as he does, when he spends most of the time shaking like a shitting dog.
So this week, Prue was wearing a necklace made of the debris from a pasta factory explosion, and Noel’s hair is returning back to normal, well, for him anyway. Terry was absent this week, but we weren’t told why. If we were, I wasn’t paying attention. Let’s just say that he developed a fatal allergy to marzipan and didn’t want to risk dying this week.
First up this week was the roulade, which my auto-correct wants to change to “Rollerblade” for some reason. Briony was concerned as she informed us that she was experiencing a little seepage, and Manon displayed her unimpressive crack. These two are rapidly become my favourites, if only for their inadvertent sauciness. Dan got himself yet another Hollywood Handshake for his effort, but then Jon got one too for his, which included mango spheres, which he’d made using reverse spherification. Please don’t let this become Masterchef!!! Incidentally, my auto-correct is trying to change spherification into scarification, which is probably something that’s been on Masterchef at some point. Scarified Bee Pollen. The next big thing.
So as Paul dishes out handshakes as liberally as Kim-Joy applies yellow eye-shadow, they’re becoming a bit less magical. He’s going to be shaking people’s hands for tying up their aprons properly before long. He’ll have to upgrade to the Hollywood Hand-job for the more exceptional contestants. Let’s get the Prue Poke, Sandi Squeeze and the Noel Nosh-off in for the next series.
Next up, they had to make a blancmange. That blood awful jelly thing we got given at school that resembled the stuff that lands in a bucket during liposuction. Prue’s recipe, with loads of raspberry puree mixed into a custard with gelatin, looked slightly more appealing. Most of the contestants struggled with this one, as they were only given just enough time to complete it, with the thing needing an hour in the freezer, followed by an hour in the fridge, and then about three minutes to try and make it look more like an edible dessert and less like a prolapsed arsehole. While the blancmange (even writing the word makes me shudder) is setting (or not) in the fridge, the bakers had to make 12 Langue du Chat biscuits. French for “cat’s tongue,” apparently. I assume that they need to resemble a cat’s tongue, to be thin and delicate. They didn’t mention the tongue being rough enough to strip flesh off the bones of dead birds and rodents, or powerful enough to cleanse the derriere du chat, but that’s maybe the pretty icing was for deflecting those points. Seeing as we’re giving things cute French names, can I now start calling blancmange Merde du Chien?
With 15 minutes left, none of them look confident in removing their concoctions from the tins. Nobody’s has set particularly well, but Briony is now happy that she’s not alone with seepage issues. Considering this was a French dessert, it was a surprise that the French contestant came last in this challenge, with her raspberry soup, and Dan finished first.
For the Showstopper, the judges wanted to see a delicate chocolate globe, which would melt when hot sauce was poured over it to reveal a dessert inside it. Temperatures in the tent were sweaty, so this was going to be another tricky final challenge.
Kim-Joy is making choux turtles from outer space to go in her inter-galactic chocolate dome. This is a psychologist at work here, folks. Rahul’s globe is going to encase the “Hindu Elixir of Life” which looked exactly like coffee cake, so if that’s the elixir of life, then I, my friends, am fucking immortal!
There’s Dan, adding WD40 to the underside of his balls.
Jon presents his ballet inspired creation wearing a tutu. This, coupled with him rushing to the aid of Ruby when her chocolate ball fell to pieces, more than made up for him using that reverse spherification bollocks in round one. Top bloke. He then poured what looked like liquidised placenta over it, and it opened to reveal the cake within.
Rahul’s chocolate globe looked more like an open face crash helmet, and didn’t melt properly, but his coffee cake was excellent. He apologised for the seventeenth time in an hour.
Dan’s Giant Peach ended up looking more like Jupiter, and was quite thick, so took about an hour to melt, but his peach cake was very tasty, we’re told.
Briony’s looks like roadkill but tastes divine.
Manon’s ball was complete, looked elegant, melted well, and the dessert inside was amazing. No handshake. WTAF?! I’m blaming Brexit.
Kim-Joy’s choux turtles did look great, I’ll give her that, and the galaxy globe was great. Little nod to Terry Pratchett in this design? Hope so.
For his consistency this week, Dan gets Star Baker, which he probably deserved. But I know he has a spectacular flounce in him somewhere, so I can’t wait for the week where it all goes tits-up for him.
In the absence of Terry, the judges decided not to send anyone home this week. Which was a massive relief to Briony, who looked certain to be the next one out after a shocker this week. I’m relieved too, because I quite like her positivity, even when crying into her deflated pudding (not a euphemism.)
They’re doing Spice Week next, and I’m hoping that’s actual spice, and not the drug that’s all over our prisons at the moment, turning people into fighting zombies. Although that would be equally entertaining, and I’d definitely have a fiver on Jon.
Right, I’m off to take my insulin.